Quirks of Working for a Cinema (Part 2)

Back! Finally! Here are some more cases that show how cinema customers are some of the strangest out there. As with before, all of these have happened to me - nothing fabricated. Maybe it's just the area I work in...

16) A customer comes out of a 3D movie, complaining that only half the movie is in 3D, the other half is all blurry. We then give him another pair of 3D glasses, because the ones he is using only have one lens.

17) When a customer comes up to you and asks what films are on: Every time you give the name of a film, they ask for a full synopsis, list of actors, and "is it good?" After 7 or 8 films, they decide they want to go home and do something else with their time.

18) When a customer asks you, over the till during a transaction, whether the building has a rodent problem. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. I'm only going to tell you what you want to hear, which I assume is that the building does NOT have a mass infestation of plague-ridden rats that come out of their holes between films and feast on any customers that have fallen asleep in their chairs. Now go and enjoy your movie.

19) When a customer complains, as if it is the worst day of their life, just how expensive everything in the cinema is. I'm sure everyone does, even if it's just under their breath. Many times when they do this however, they continue to buy a large food combo for every member of their very big family, including children so tiny they could fit in the popcorn bags, which makes me look like the best salesman of the day. And then one of the little'uns points to a bag of sweets, which are quickly added to the mass banquet. Pretty expensive day out.

20) When a lone customer buys a lot of food for themselves, realizes they only have 2 arms to carry anything, and asks sincerely whether we can give them a tray.

21) When people ask "what is 2D?" when given a 3D/2D option. Then they ask me which is better. Probably best not to ask me that question.

22) The business of seat allocation. My cinema has started doing this for every film, whereby every customer selects their seat in the auditorium, so a seat and row number appears on their ticket, and that is where they will sit (in theory, but they won't). 9 times out of 10, when asked where they would like to sit, the customer will roll their eyes and give one of the following responses:

- "Can't I just sit anywhere?"

- "Why do I have to choose when there's only 2 people in there?"

- "Just give me the best seat."

- "The seat where I will see the screen most clearly" (but not at the front. Oh no, NOBODY wants the front.)

- A strangely specific, yet abstract request. E.g. "The middle corner". I try hard not to say "The auditorium is a square, Sir. Not a hexagon."

23) When underage kids try to purchase tickets for a 15 certificate film, and back up their claims of their age in a variety of interesting ways:

- handing me their phone with their mum on the other end.

- shouting their age in my face.

- wearing a birthday badge saying "15 TODAY", even though the child in question still had his milk teeth and barely got his head above the counter. Yes, this really did happen. Give him some kudos for trying.

24) When we clean the toilets and find an array of strange items, including toffee popcorn and KFC buckets. Apparently the toilet cubicle is the best place for a snack!

25) On the subject of toilets, it always causes a stir when a thick cloud of marijuana fumes puffs out from under the toilet door, before a dreadlocked, swedish hippie literally rolls out of the room. 

26) When audience members wait a *very* long time after a film has finished, to watch an after-credits scene, that actually won't come, because there isn't one, and they are verbally very disappointed. This is what I call The Marvel Effect. As the staff have to clean each auditorium after every customer has left, this Marvel Effect essentially ruins our entire schedule for the day. 

Please do your research. Google is a valuable tool. Don’t waste everyone’s time waiting for scenes that won’t come. Thankyou.

Some after-credits scenes, such as in Iron Man 3, or Captain America: The Winter Soldier, make the audience groan simply because they were not worth waiting around for.

27) When a group of customers come in to the cinema on a weekday, roughly around 11:30PM, oblivious to the fact that all the tills are off, the food is packed away, there is almost no staff about, the music is off, a security guard is standing by the entrance getting ready to close the barriers, and it’s 11:30PM, on a weekday.....and they come up to me and ask if they can have some tickets for the next movie.

28) When people come to the till, knowing what film they want to watch, but not really sure what the movie is actually called. So they just go along with whatever comes out of their mouth.

Pretty much every film has been named incorrectly by customers. Here are some of the more memorable recent ones:

- Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie = “Mr Brown”, “Mr Brown’s Boys”, “Mr Brown and His Boys”

- The Raid 2 = “Rape”

- Divergent = “Distraction”, “Divulgent”, “That Hunger Games Movie”

- The Amazing Spiderman 2 = “Superman”

- Captain America: The Winter Soldier = “Superman”

- XMen: Days of Future Past = “That Wolverine Film”

- Bad Neighbours = “Neighbours”, “Naughty Neighbours”

- Maleficent = “Malecifent”, “Malelephant”, “Magnificent”, “Macelifent”, “Malefilent”, “Mafecilent” (actually, with this one, not one customer could not pronounce the name of this movie. Way to go, Disney.)

- Godzilla = “Godzilla 2”

- The Fault in our Stars = “The Fault in our Dates” / “The Fault Starts” / “The Love in our Eyes” / “The Love in our Stars” / “Stars in their Eyes”

- Dawn of the Planet of the Apes = “Village of the Apes”/ “Apes of the Dawn of the Planet” / “Monkeys”

 Some more features or general anecdotes will be coming again on a regular basis. Thankyou for reading, and support your local cinema - If you see anyone taking a video recorder into a movie, kindly rugby tackle them to the ground. 

Quirks of Working for a Cinema

As previously mentioned, I now work for a cinema - it's customer service, but we aren't selling products (specifically). Rather, we are selling an experience, perhaps a euphoric cinematic escapism like in Cinema Paradiso, or perhaps a SHUT UP YOU BRATS AND WATCH THE FILM WHILE I GO SHOPPING experience. Cinema customers come out with some odd quirks, which undoubtedly makes the workday more interesting.

Here are some quirks that come to mind. These have all happened to me in the past 3 months, and at least half of these happen very regularly.

1) Customers come to the counter expecting their chosen movie to start a few minutes after their arrival, even though it isn't showing any more, isn't on for another hour, or isn't on for another few months.

2) Before setting off to the cinema, customers do not check whether their chosen film is 3D or 2D, and so they guess, according to whether or not they had brought their 3D glasses with them.

3) A customer asks if they need any special glasses for 2D films.

4) A customer asks if they can watch a 3D film without 3D glasses, because they simply do not like wearing them.

5) A customer brings their battery powered, expensive 3D glasses that were attached to their 3D television from home, and complain that they don't work in the cinema. (See a pattern emerging?)

6) When given the choice of salt, sweet or toffee popcorn, a customer says "just plain please". Due to how my cinema sells popcorn, this is like being asked what flavour ice cream you want, and you say 'no flavour, I just want plain ice cream'.

7) A customer buys salt popcorn and asks for more salt.

8) When they can't decide between sweet or salted, they ask for a mixture, but want a particular arrangement, e.g. salt on the bottom, sweet, large salt, medium sweet, then a sprinkling of salt on the top.

9) Customers arrive for their film up to an hour earlier than the time printed on the ticket, and are outraged when we tell them they cannot go in yet, because another film is currently being played.

10) Despite being told the screen number, both at the point of sale, and at the door leading to the screens, customers regularly look at their ticket and believe their film is being shown at screen '12A', or screen '15', despite the fact that the cinema states clearly it only has 12 screens, and that screen '12A' does not make sense.

11) After each film, any mess left by the audience is picked and swept by the cinema staff. Unusual items are regularly found. Personally I have come across 3 iPhones, a bottle of washing detergent, 2 opened condoms, unopened packets of expensive sweets (shared amongst staff) to name a few, as well as a full outfit of clothes and a wig in the gents' toilets.

12) Parents believe it is completely acceptable and in the law for them to buy tickets for their primary school age children to see a 15 certificate film. Their argument is 'I'll be watching it with them'.

13) Customers bring vouchers and coupons only applicable at another particular cinema chain (clearly shown), and are frustrated that we do not accept them.

14) When wishing to make a complaint, a customer will ask you whether you are the manager of the cinema, despite the fact that you are not only wearing the most bog-standard colourful uniform every other member of staff is wearing, but you are also carrying out the most un-managerial tasks, such as sweeping up stubborn individual popcorn pieces out of the carpet.

15) When unsure of which movie to see, a customer will ask me which film I would recommend. This always happens with someone who is clearly the complete opposite type of person to me in every way, and so my recommendation would be utterly meaningless.

This list may seem heavy on the grievances caused by customers. Of course I will help you as a customer to the best of my ability, but many times a day I will be greeted with a particular person that baffles my brain. How hard is it to check a movie time online, come to the cinema at a good time, pay, and enjoy the film?

Film Reviews: Flash Reruns!

As mentioned in my previous post, I now work for a cinema. This means I can now see films for free (with a guest, so call me).
Here are the films I have seen since starting my new vocation - reviews in popcorn sized pieces. Experiences have been varied, but at least I don't feel ripped off by ticket prices.

Any comments, questions or disagreements, please let me know.

The Amazing Spiderman 2
Everyone's friendly neighborhood spiderman (Andrew Garfield) is back with a box-office vengeance, pitted against Jamie Foxx's Electro with a shocking climax and impressive CGI. The film itself is entertaining, with solid action sequences, and a likable love story between Garfield and Emma Stone as Gwen Stacey. Dane Dehaan is the standout star, charismatic and far more goblin-like than Willem Defoe. The film's frustrating problem is the sheer number of subplots - it feels like three separate films edited messily together. Naturally, many of these distractions are leading towards two sequels and two spin-off movies (no less). Shame - if the writers focused on one story, this could have been a classic.

5/10

Divergent
Described incorrectly by cinema-goers as 'that Hunger Games rip-off' (the only similarity is its intended audience demographic), Divergent explores an apparent utopian future society with some interesting concepts, but falls flat in every aspect. Tris (Shailene Woodley) has come of age, and so has to decide which faction of society she is to fit into. This process is incompatible with her unique psychology and control over her fears, and trouble ensues.

Her love story with Four (a far too old Theo James) is totally unbelievable, and the film's overall message is confused. As almost the entire film depicts her faction 'training', the plot never really goes anywhere, with very little development, and a central conflict that occurs too late - by the time Tris steps up to be some kind of hero, we have stopped caring.

2/10

300: Rise of an Empire
A film that cleverly takes place before, during, and after its predecessor, the second 300 movie is an attractive and interesting effort by relative unknown director Noam Murro. The repetitive action sequences mostly consists of slashing open stomachs and flying blood into the audience's 3D glasses, but the story is stronger than Zach Snyder's 300, delving much more into politics, neighbouring nations, and a wonderfully ferocious Artemisia from Eva Green.

6/10

The Raid 2
The sequel to one of the greatest action movies of all time had enormous shoes to fill, but it blasts out of the screen and grabs the viewer by the throat. The plot is sparse, with many twists and turns, delving into Internal Affairs, gangsters and secret agent territories. The action is top notch, with staggering martial arts breaking bones in an amateur porn ring, a muddy prison yard, and even the back seat of a car. If anything, the film's main issue is that it teeters on the edge of self-parody - villain Bejo feels like something out of an Austin Powers movie, while Hammer Girl and Baseball Bat Boy (named after their weapons of choice) are like characters cut from the Kick-Ass series. An impressive piece of action film, well worth a watch.

9/10

The Return of the 50 Foot Blog

Hello readers...I have returned from a 6 month sabbatical.

Actually that's a lie.

6 months ago...I got a job.

Oh, one of those.

Why am I back then?

I now have a better job.

I work part time for a cinema!

This will give me more time to think and write, but also get to see films!

Most of the ones I've seen so far have not been so great.

Oh well.

If there is anyone out there, please say hi!

More articles and posts incoming soon!

Peace and Love.

Matt

I saw Bumblebee hanging out by the Thames. I have evidence! Here he is being attacked a giant boy.

Film Review: Gravity

When the trailer for Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men, Prisoner of Azkaban)'s latest film floated into  cyberspace, it was immediately thought of as a simple, buffonish survival movie in the same vein as Open Water and Frozen (not the Disney one) - it would be a straightforward thriller relying on star power and cheap scares in the minimal of surroundings. The reality is a film that is not only avoiding this paradigm completely, but is a masterclass in film making, an acting tour-de-force, and one of the most emotionally charged movies of recent memory.

Astronauts Ryan (Sandra Bullock) and Matt (George Clooney) are finishing off job circling the Earth's atmosphere, when their craft is suddenly hit and wrecked by flying shrapnel. Ryan begins to spin away uncontrollably into deep space. Aided by Matt, she has to somehow summon the courage and wits to get herself back home. This is essentially the film's narrative, and to delve into any more detail wouldn't do the film any justice.

Gravity is really a character study, an examination into the power of fear and determination to live. Unfortunately for Ryan, this is her first ever space mission, and she is tightly gripped by her deep anxieties. We follow her as she strives to overcome a terrifying prospect - being lost in space, alone, with limited precious oxygen.

The first thing that strikes you when the film starts is the camerawork, staggeringly impressive and bold. The shots are incredibly long, but never dull or drawn out. This is particularly the case in the opening, which is an astonishing 17 minute shot, swerving between the spacewalking astronauts and taking titanic glimpses of planet Earth in all its beauty. Many others are over a minute long, sometimes longer. 

We feel everything the characters feel, without the distractions of cuts and editing. At one point, it focuses on Ryan's face before entering her helmet and looking around at what she sees. Throughout almost the entire film, the camera seems to be spacewalking itself, floating like an inquisitive explorer, flipping and somersaulting in ways that will make you wonder how on Earth (or in space) they actually did it. We feel disorientated, the screen clouds up with her breath, and we follow her side in everything that happens.

 

Playing video games in space wasn't as fun as she thought it would be.

Cuaron has said in interviews how serious he was with the idea of actually sending his actors into space and filming it on location, which had the studios worried (they generally do not have a budget for that sort of thing). Gravity's concept and story had been circling for about 20 years, never being made simply because the technology did not exist at the time - not only because of the extraordinary camera and the actor's anti-gravity movements, but also the astounding CGI. When the machines are ripped to shreds by space debris, we see every shred, every floating particle. Earth also looks better than the real thing.

While a thriller in structure, it truly is an exploration of hope and fear. This is created by the presence and performance of Bullock, who is in every shot of the film and is deservedly so. She is a character convinced that at any moment her life is going to end, that she will be lost forever into the abyss. Her life experiences, which have shaped her to this point, rear their ugly head throughout her struggle, as she grows into a person very different to the one we are introduced to. It is a gripping performance that grabs you by the gut and won't let go.

Clooney is also in good form, charming the pants off everybody and providing some light comic relief. Perhaps some may think his character is almost too relaxed, too in control, in spite of the situation, but it seems that this is Cuaron's point - Ryan and Matt are polar opposites, yin and yang, fear and hope. As disaster strikes, he changes from colleague to father figure and counselor. As he supports Ryan, it feels like he is also encouraging the audience, comforting us to not be afraid. This may sound banal here, but in the light of the film's intensity, it is well placed and in good measure.

Let's hope they got a good deal for spaceship insurance.

The tension is increased by the film's score, with chords that rip and throb gradually, seeping into everything like a racing pulse thumping in our head. Silence is also used to reinforce our sense of isolation - there is no sound in space, so all the carnage occurs in total silence, which feels almost nightmarish, yet also very real.

If you are considering becoming a space tourist, watching Gravity is a much cheaper alternative - Cuaron, Bullock and Clooney will take you into space in a way no other film has done before.

10/10

Classic Movie: Alien

Apologies for lack of posting lately - I have been distracted by a larger writing project that is (hopefully) almost finished. 

My original plan was to review new releases I manage to see, but people have suggested I look at older movies as well; why not? What better film to start with than an absolute classic, and one of my all-time favourite films.

Alien (1979)

Picture the time. Two years before, the first Star Wars crash-landed and changed film-making, and film fanaticism, forever. Science Fiction cinema had become an extremely profitable market (leading to numerable Star Wars clones, such as The Black Hole). At the same time, Horror was also taking huge stalking strides with the start of the slasher genre, through films such as Black Christmas (1974) and Halloween (1978). The genre would pick up relentlessly throughout the 1980s.

This time seemed to be perfect for Ridley Scott's Alien, a film that succeeds both in Science Fiction and Horror, creating harsh debates on which genre it actually belonged to (Why can't it be both?).

"In space, no one can hear you scream."

Imagine seeing this poster for the first time in 1979.  

The story is simple, apparently similar to the slasher film formula, but without any irritating and stupid characters, and with many interesting turns. The Nostromo, a hulking mining ship with a crew of seven, is on a return trip to Earth when it is disturbed by a distress beacon from a nearby planet. The beacon wakes the crew, and after much debate, they decide to visit the source of the message to investigate. While exploring the planet an unfortunate member gets attached with an alien parasite, leading to a bit of bother on board the ship. The crew have to use their wits to survive, and the rest is history.

The key component that makes this film incredible is its tension. All through the running time is an underlying sense of dread, isolation, imminent danger, which is created by Scott via every potential avenue. There are no moments of creatures jumping out unexpected to the camera - every death, every alien encounter, is pre-warned with long shots or drawn-out sequences, often with a lot of shouting, creepy music and decent acting.

The title font appears in obscure pieces, slowly coming together. The camera shakes, chasing running victims down smoke-filled corridors. The astronauts walk warily through alien architecture resembling a giant ribcage or the inside of an insect hive. The ship's cat gets caught up in some kind of shedded skin. While we hardly see the alien itself, the film is constantly unnerved by its underlying presence. The music itself, composed by frequent sci-fi contributor Jerry Goldsmith, glides between classical  romantic cues and obscure warbling and percussion. It matches the sequences perfectly. Some of the most frightening scenes are actually music-less, making any screams and echoes ring louder in our gut.

No, it's not reaching for the cap.

Enormous kudos has to go to Swiss surrealist artist H.R.Giger, who designed the main antagonist (in all its forms), making it one of the most iconic extra-terrestrials in film. Think of any movie alien, and you'll soon realize it looks like an Earth creature, or at least a mixture of Earth creatures. Giger's creature looks like nothing of this world; like a surreal nightmare. The six-fingered hands, acid blood, eyeless head and mouth-within-a mouth. How can you fight something that is nothing like anything you've experienced before? Even the way it moves is disconcerting, either gliding slowly across the floor or uncurling from the ceiling. It is little wonder it has appeared in around eight movies and various video games.

Naturally the cast works well, all diverse and interesting without any filler characters that plague so many horror or sci-fi films these days (Prometheus, also by Scott, is a sad example of this). No sex-crazed teenagers. No awkward relationships. These are mature professions doing a job. A close-knit crew. Sigourney Weaver's beloved Ripley doesn't even dominate the set. John Hurt is pensive. Ian Holm is mysterious. Tom Skerrit is a cautious captain. Veronica Cartwright is cynical. The two ship engineers are jovial yet hard-nosed. Everyone's banter feels completely natural, as though we are observing a real-life crew rather than watching something scripted (some of it, including the more frightening scenes, was barely scripted at all).

 

Hindsight is a beautiful thing, when you're thinking of exploring weird looking holes in the floor.

To find faults would be to merely nit-pick. The alien and space effects have aged slightly, however it is a blessing that 20th Century Fox has not re-released the film, Star Wars style, with all new CGI. Perhaps also the lone survivor of the Nostromo is not the most likable of characters, but we can't help but admire the intense struggle to survive. This is ultimately a beautifully executed film by all involved.

Ridley Scott's Alien is a masterpiece is both Science Fiction and Horror, working on all kinds of levels, and inspired countless filmmakers. It is a masterclass in atmosphere. You'll think twice before ignoring any strange chest-pains in future.

Note: The more recent Director's Cut is improved on the original and easier to follow. Also google Giger for some of the strangest pictures on the web. Perhaps the man is actually an alien himself.

Technophobe! is now FREE on all devices!

Due to various complications with ebook websites (i.e. they want to earn a bit of money), I have not been able to publish my book (and future ones I'm currently working on) for free. 

Until now...

Smashwords.com is a great website for finding free ebooks, as well as publishing them - unlike sites such as Amazon, iTunes, Google, Kobo et al. Smashwords is actually an ebook publisher.

Here is the link to Technophobe!, which is available to download free on all devices.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/363901

I am working on it becoming free directly on the other sites, and will update accordingly...